Living with addiction.

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Living with addiction sucks. Let me repeat that.

LIVING WITH ADDICTION SUCKS. ANXIETY SUCKS. IT ALL SUCKS.

Yup. You read that right. Hi, my name’s Charity and I’m a shopping addict. I’ve been a shopping addict for going on ---years now (I lost count). And it spiraled out of control this past year. I’m living with the true sense of an addiction. Like the Confessions of a Shopaholic Kind. And while you’re over there working on doing your spring cleaning I’m over here not only working on purging my closet this spring, but I’m working on purging some major addictive behaviors. No, but in all seriousness….this has caused a lot of grief for my family. And it’s sucked the life out of me. And us. And I’ve felt like I’ve wanted to hide my face on numerous occasions out of embarassment and just lock myself inside my room and hide from all the pain. Not that I am, but it is a thought that has crossed my mind. Truth is, I’ve let a lot of people down. But, what good is guilt going to serve me in the long term? Nada.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home sucks that caused these behaviors sucks. And abuse sucks. PERIOD.

I had lost myself all the years before. 2016, 2017, 2018. 2019 will be a year of healing for me. I’m sharing this whole heartedly with those out there in hopes that this might help someone with destructive behaviors, overcome. Because, there is hope for someone with addiction. I don’t pretend to have it all put together. I never have. I’ve always been pretty open in hopes of helping someone who has walked the very tightly strung abusive childhood path I did which led to this.  And I might lose many followers and friends after this confession is read by all of y’all. And that’s ok, I’m ok with that. Because all that matters are 1) my Jesus. 2) those that love me through this despite my shortcomings.



You see, I thought I was found, but I was not. I was continuing to lose myself inside this addiction. Insert came baby 1, then baby 2. Then my life totally started spinning out of control. I absolutely adore my babies. I love them to death. But, something triggered it even more. I thought I had some sort of identity crisis that spiraled out of control. BUT, my identity was already in crisis, I had “lost myself” a long time ago, from a young age, when my identity was stolen right out from underneath me...this is where it all started. The crazy dysfunction in my family- years and years of sexual and emotional abuse, separation from my biological father, trying to reconcile with him, and deal with all the emotions that follow, and a total break down in relationship with my mother and no support from family, basically on my own, and having to rely on myself--I can go on and on. This left me a complete mess.



Now I’m at a place where I’m broken… and honestly that’s where God wants us to be so He can do the work. I have to be whole again. For myself first and foremost. For my children. For my husband.



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“To heal,

You have to

Get to the root

Of the wound

And kiss it all the way up.”

-rupi kaur


I’m a stuffer~~~


Despite my efforts to cover my brokeness with last stitch efforts of finding myself, again. And again, and again. Like a record, playing repeat on my favorite Fleetwood Mac song. So I thought. Until all the plates went spinning out of control and I literally lost control this past year. Stuffing my pain with some major wreckage to deny all of pains past didn’t serve me well. I’m a stuffer. YUP. I’m a big fat stuffer. I stuff my pain until it’s deep within me and there’s nothing to feel anymore but those happy go lucky feelings. Except, one day, you will have to deal, because one day it will all come tumbling down. And you just have to deal with all the yucky, unfair crap life has to throw your way, because we live in an unfair, fallen world, and life is unfair, unfortunately. For quite some time I’ve run from dealing with the feelings for years now, (unbeknown to me) through stuffing, but now, I cannot hide, which has led to some addictive behaviors. I have gotten counseling in times past, but not enough to get to the core, the root, to pull it out. I believe that there is a spiritual and physical part of healing--and ya got to get to both and pull that root out by the core and yank it out. I’ve dealt with it with some pretty destructive behaviors, it’s going to take some time. But, I’ve got time.  

Time heals? Yes, but there comes a time when I just must feel and deal and go through the muck and the more. Feel and deal with all the stupid crap---the emotions that I’ve stuffed for so long. It’s not going to be fun by any means, but it’ll be worth it.   

Here we go. As Matt Damon says in one of Robin William’s famous movies, “I’m pumped! Let the Healing begin”. {Good Will Hunting} Jesus take the wheel. Because there is nothing I can do with, or without Him.

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Charty Burnett